I Can't Keep Calm, I'm a Mom

Hello mommies! I hope everyone's day is going better than my stereotypical Monday. It all started when my husband woke me up at 5 am not to tell me his everyday good-bye speech and kiss but to tell me that he accidently knocked my entire make-up bag in the toilet "full of piss" (his exact words). My body went into full red alert mode unlike him because he had no idea the value of the contents of the bag. So I went back to sleep hoping to wake up and try this day again. Well waking up again at 7 am with my little girl, we are cuddling on the couch watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (duh). and then it hit me, the odor. She had diarrhea and it seeped through her pajama pants and onto my shirt, yay. Cleaned her up and by than child number two was awake and had pooped as well. Honestly my day was a revolving door of poopy diapers. After that right on cue my toddler is pointing and doing that "eh eeeh!" noise at the freezer door signaling she is ready for a popsicle. Well mean old mom says no because I'm A. already cooking her scrambled eggs and toast and B. its 8 am. Here goes temper tantrum number uno of the day. The world must be ending, she is red in the face, tears pouring down her face, throwing herself on the floor over a popsicle. (Why aren't those scenarios in parenting books?) I put her in her booster and place her plate of breakfast in front of her and she continues to smear it all over the table then whines until I put her down. Twenty minutes later she is pointing and going "eh eeeh!" at the pantry door, she wants a snack. Do you think I'm a little  frustrated that she wants a snack after I made her a full breakfast that my table is fully decorated in now? Yup I'm getting frustrated. I give in and give her a bowl of Reese Puff cereal and now its crushed into my carpet. My 6 month old is super fussy today because he is cutting two teeth and I can't leave his sight. My work out is cut in half because my children can't stop pooping or crying. I finally put my kids down for naps and instead of cleaning I napped too and it was glorious until I woke up at 3 pm realizing I did not thaw anything out for dinner and I decided to give up on this Monday.

Mommies you can relate right?? These days where you can't get ahead and one thing after another happens and sometimes (you hate yourself for it) you yell at your kids out of frustration? You know they are just being their age but you have already texted your significant other the "I'm about to rip my hair out" "I need to get out of the house" "Break open the vodka" text. These are the tough parenting days, all still so worth it, but tough.

Regretting giving up booze during the week to lose my mom pooch,

xoxo mommies

P.S currently running after my toddler who had a full bottle of melatonin and acting like she struck gold.


For next week moms I want to include all of you, the post will be about "Mom Shaming" like how people post dog shaming photos. I am posting mine below, the things us mommies do that technically does not win us mom of year awards but were human. Please send me your "Mom Shaming" photos to my email ellenweitzel561@gmail.com and I would love to post them all in my next blog post.

What Your Non-Parent Friends Think at Your House

Hello mommies! Not that I even believe any one noticed but I am a day late on posting, sorry about that if you did notice I have been very busy finishing watching The Office (full time job). Anyway as I was looking around my house today and texting my friend about having a boxed wine night Friday  here and I started to think about what all Andrew's and my own non-parent friends must think when being over at our baby, toddler zone home. I put myself in their shoes, focused on what their houses or apartments look like and boom I think I got it. Here we go!

"So this is what giving up looks like."

"Crumbs, crumbs are everywhere. Do they ever use a mop, broom, vacuum? Like ever? They could feed a small army of children with all the crumbs everywhere."  I can't argue with this one, I promise I do use my broom and vacuum every. single. day but toddler are little cookie monsters. They literally cannot hold a bag of crackers, chips, whatever without the temptation to flip it upside down and spill every last crumb out of that bag then proceed to stomp around in it until my beautiful charcoal area rug looks like the first snowfall. So my apologies, for all my neat freak friends, Lisbet this means you.

"As soon as I leave here I'm picking up a box of condoms."

"There must be toys in every single room of the house, even the bathroom is full of toys. Why does one small child need so many toys? They must be hoarders. Toy Hoarders, maybe TLC will have a show to help them out. I'll nominate them myself."

"Wow the natural scent in this house is I'd say dirty diapers mixed with destinin, goldfish and the febreeze trying to mask everything. Maybe I can open a window when they aren't looking."

"I wonder if they have anything to drink other than milk or apple juice."

"That one kid is eating something out of the couch, might be food, might be a small toy."

"Seriously would not of taken them as hoarders."

I love all my friends to death and am so thankful they love to come over and see my children so I apologize for the mess, just keep filling up your wine glass and you will forget about the mess.

xoxo have a wonderful week mommies

And please if you read and liked this blog please hit like button on facebook so I know to continue!

4 Things I Do Not Care That You Do As a Parent

There are endless amounts of parenting books and guides available for parents to be out there and even I am guilty of buying a few when I needed answers for my baby who couldn't self soothe or when I felt inferior to other parents children that were developing faster than mine and I needed to know why. Here is what I learned from those ridiculously over priced parenting books, nothing. Not one thing in those books could apply to my child because my child was nothing like the child the author was explaining. I did learn though I knew nothing about being a parent until I actually became one and was faced with obstacles that I solved on my own and in what I believed was right for my child and children. Now at the age I am now lots of my fellow peers are having children all around the same ages and I guess we all feel the need to post it all over social media (guilty) What I'm about to say keep an open mind and I believe it will make sense. I see moms now on social media posting all the things their children are doing or what brand new thing/clothing item you bought them, us moms are having a cock measuring contest with our children. We feel the need to up one another with just about everything, we feel this pressure to have the bigger "cock" sorry for the explicitiveness. So here are the 4 things I do not care that you do as a parent or don't do...

1. Breast Fed or Bottle Fed
I could care less if your three year old is still sucking on your boobs all day long, do you. I don't care if you are shaking up formula bottles all day long. All the babies are fed and happy. If you are judging the mom who is breast feeding all day long, well get over it, it's natural and their happy. That being said I don't need to hear about it or read about it all day long on facebook, we get it, we really do. You've been breastfeeding your baby for a while, congratulations it is a lot of work but what do you want an Emmy award? And bottle feeding mommas I know you are doing what you have to so that your baby is fed. I'm not Pro-breastfeeing. I'm not Pro-bottle, I'm just Pro-get your kid fed, and that's all you should worry about too.

2. Organic vs Anything Else
I jumped on the organic band wagon for a while to the point I bought O (before she was born) a $300 organic bumper pad for her crib (I know I'm a lunatic), to only be told at the hospital bumpers were a big no no. LOL well I used it anyway because she loved her elephant bumper and look she's still alive! I bought organic food for a while, hefty price tag and than I realized my child could care less about organic and wanted some damn pringles and nutella. So whether you don't feed your family GMO's, all organic food or over processed frozen fish sticks, up to you, bon appetite!

3. Working mom vs. Stay at Home Mom
I understand some moms have to have full time jobs out of the house to support their families and I understand some moms either don't need to work because their significant other brings home enough bacon or you can't afford day care. I do not care either way. Finances have nothing to do with anybody else but you and your family so do what you need to. I am fortunate enough that my husband makes enough money that I can stay home with my babes but I do work 3 days a week for a few hours at a small diner because momma needs some time out of the house and why not make some extra cash (booze money) from the sweet elderly couples that come in. We are all good moms.

4. Miscellaneous
This list could be a long one but i'll make it short. I do not care how much or little you let your kids watch T.V., if you let you toddler drink soda or water, if you curse in front of them, how you discipline them, if you let them co-sleep or not, what age you start them in preschool, how you potty train(by the way I really do not care if your child shit on the potty), how many or little toys they have, if they wear a helmet or not, if you are following proper car seat safety, etc, etc, etc. Be the parent you believe you are, we are all trying our bests.

xoxo mommies until next time

Ultimate Gift List for Mommies

Come Christmas time, birthdays, mothers day and so on I'm sure all of us mommies receive similar gifts from others. Usually involve some type of Pinterest inspired gift from your child, flowers, cards, pedicure/manicure gift cards or whatever you flat out told you husband, boyfriend, whoever to buy you. Now we love these things, I don't think any mommy could complain about these gifts but if you asked us what we really wanted it would be slightly different... Here is the ultimate mommie gift list. Feel free to print out and hand directly to your significant other.

• Sleep. We would love a solid 24 hours of sleep. Lock us in a sound proof room without any contact with the outside world except for Netflix. Ill give you a special knock if it is an emergency. Prior to my 24 hours of sleep I will be taking a 20 minute shower, undisturbed until my body is shaven from head to toe.

• Lipo Suction. Allow me to medically get all the fat sucked from my body so I can stop complaining to you how fat I am every day and can quit all the fad diets I start every month. Oh and while I'm at it, let me get the stretch mark treatments that every celebrity must have because it must exist, because last time I checked being a celebrity didn't change their DNA and magically allow them to pass by that shit of a pregnancy result.

• $50,000 to Urban Outfitters please.

• During the holidays please get me into the spirit. I need/want lots of holiday spirit, as in drive me to Wine & Spirits so I can drown myself in a box of wine. Repeat this one on demand.

• Surprise me. When you become a parent life is nothing but routine. Children need routine to function so I begin to do the same mindless things every day. Please shake things up for us once in a while. Plan a night for us two, away from the kids but without asking or telling me a single detail. (Other than if I need my ball gown or my nikes)

• Understand that when I tell you 'I need a break from the kids' it is not for a single second that I do not love those little monsters with every part of me but after a full day while you were at work only having to focus on you and your task at hand, I had to take care of myself and keep two children alive. They can't even go to the bathroom by themselves, hell I can't go to the bathroom by myself there is always an audience. So  when you come home after a 10 hour day I need 10 minutes, locked in my room to just breathe for a second.

• Move us to a location that either Dunkin or Starbucks is in walking distance. Sure the Keurig is great and fast but it does not provide extra espresso shots that are needed in my morning and mid afternoon haze. And the tasty flavors and syrups don't hurt either. Walking distance because it takes an hour to get two kids into the car and by than I would be dead.

• While us mommies are attempting to get the thousands of chores done like folding laundry, take the toddler in another room and keep him or her away so our job can get done a little quicker because folding laundry with a toddler is as efficient as trying to straighten up a desk of papers while a fan blows on it.

There you go Daddy's, husbands, boyfriends, whoever, this is what we really want and if you happen to have some left over cash install a wine dispenser in multiple rooms of the house. That sounds like my kind of heaven.

xoxo mommies