Dear First Time Mom

Hello mommies, sorry I haven't posted in a week or two I was having technical difficulties with my blog but I'm so happy to be back and I think us/you experienced mommies are going to be like "YES" to this blog post. We are at that age where everyone is beginning to get married, engaged and have babies. Well for the fellow future mommies we know posting on their social media "preparing" for their small one to arrive is like to any other fellow experienced momma, "HA! you don't need 85% of the stuff you bought or put on your registry and what you are so excited for about that bundle of joy I'm sorry is only 5% of what it is like for first time mommas. I'm here to tell you what all your expectations are as a mom this is what it will really be like.

1. Cute instagram pictures of your peaceful baby. Maybe for professional photographers this is more realistic but for real moms, "blogger" moms (I do not count myself as one) that post "artsy" pictures of their baby make me sick. I personally say out loud "Oh come on, show the throw up, the green diarrhea up the back, momma's dark circles under her eyes." If you are able to put yourself together head to toe everyday with a newborn, A. your baby is a foreign angel B. you have made a deal with the devil. Little words of wisdom if you are that mom that posts you and your baby so put together and blog ready, us other moms sitting in our sweatpants, sipping our fifth cup of coffee HATE YOU.

     2. All those cute outfits you have bought or received over your pregnancy that you have imagined your little one in the reality is,.. It will be a nightmare for you to get it on them. As a newborn they will be so pissed at you for getting them naked and cold. Your newborn will cry the whole time you try to put them in that cute outfit because they are cold. Then once your baby learns to roll over, putting that cute outfit on will take twice the time and effort because your baby will be trying to roll over the whole time because they are busy and do not have time to wait around for you trying to snap up the 100 snaps that are on one onsies. As toddlers personally I've found that getting them into that cute outfit is that your toddler would rather be naked or it turns into a game of "come catch me"

    3.You spend 9 months watching your belly blossom into this adorable bump that carries your most precious cargo and you LOVE your bump.Over nine months you learn how to dress it well wake up call after that baby is born you STILL LOOK PREGNANT. But now that bump is no longer full of precious cargo and jiggles every time you make the slightest motion, talk about sexual.... And you know what doesn't help that baby beer gut.... beer. Or wine. You haven't had alcohol in 9 months so if you are like a momma like me, once you have that baby you just yell out, "Come here you beautiful Sam Adams. Jack Daniels and don't worry I didn't forget about you Franzia, you crazy bitch you."

Simply, your body will never be the same but I promise you will learn to love it.

  4. Do not sugar coat what motherhood is like. It is hard, exhausting, stressful and so on. If you put of that motherhood is easy breezy, us experienced mommas know you are full of shit. I have not met one mom that hasn't said they lost their shit once in a while. It is OKAY, lose your shit, it makes everyone know your human. BABIES ARE HARD, they are work. That is why some people do not want them because if they were a walk in park everyone would want a mini, fat human. 

New mommies who read this, I am not bashing you, I am simply trying to tell you that you actually become a mother when you are so tired you are changing diapers half asleep, rocking your baby to sleep for the 6th time in one night, crying because it is your first day home alone with the baby and you didn't get a single break that day, doing every simple task with one hand because your baby wants held 24/7 and you love them too much to put them down. wanting to scream because you haven't showered in two days and all you want is a full nights rest but not screaming because holding your baby is the only thing that keeps your heart beating now.

Motherhood is hard, do not act like it's not, but it is what makes you the strongest person people know.

xoxo until next time mommies.

Hey Dad, Help a Momma Out

Hello mommies, todays blog post came from the week I am having so far and yes it is only Tuesday. This will apply to stay at home moms mostly but I am positive all moms out there have felt this way because I am 100% sure all men are wired the same. This is a little Dear Dad/Husband here is some advice to keep you from being in the doghouse.

Beware of the glass of wine
If at any point you return home and your wife, baby momma is either A. outside or B. sitting in a room by herself with a glass of wine, staring blankly at nothing, we have officially lost ours minds. Every fuse, nerve has been blown, we are broken. Do not interrupt, do not question, let us try to reboot in peace. Slowly walk by us into the trashed house, hold a baby, change a diaper, pick up the smashed cookies up off the floor all while a screaming toddler is pulling at your leg. The 20 minutes you spend on that sums up what every minute of the day was like for your wife. Hence her near mental breakdown happening out on the porch. You might think it's "only two kids" hehe well it feels like 20 now shut up and take the diaper filled trash out.

Don't EVER ask when "this" will happen...
The best thing you can do for your safety is never ask your exhausted, non-showered wife when anything will get done. As in don't ask when will she do the load of laundry laying on the bedroom floor, when she was planning on going to the grocery store, when she's bathing the kids, when will dinner be ready, when are you working out (seriously don't ever ask that one) when are we having sex, when are you going to call so and so about blah blah blah. Just don't ask us because trust me those things haven't happened because we are lazy, eating ice cream (even though we would love to) we are up to our greasy hair in to-do list and have everything working against us to get them done. Look at the to do list and cross some off by yourself, your wife will love you for this.

Hold the baby, keep holding the baby
When you get home from work and your wonderful wife is trying to make dinner for you and the family or a simple task that requires two hands. HOLD THE BABY FOR HER, oh and do not turn around and just sit the baby back down, otherwise your wife will be giving you the "are you fucking kidding me, lips pursed, eyebrow raised look" because you can't follow simple instruction. So just hold the baby, it won't be forever, I promise.

If momma is napping, let that woman sleep.
If momma needs a nap you better be doing whatever you possibly can to give that woman 20-30 mins of peaceful sleep. There are acceptable reasons to wake up a napping mom and unacceptable. I'll point some out for you.
-Acceptable: The house is on fire, we have to get out of the house.
-Unacceptable: Do you know where the xbox controller is?

-Acceptable: A child is hurt and needs medical attention.
-Unacceptable: The baby has poop up to his neck.

-Acceptable: I think we have a gas leak, we need to leave.
-Unacceptable: The toddler has gas, what do i do?

Extra Compassion
We barely sleep whether or not our children do because we worry 24/7, showering every day is the joke of the year, yoga pants and your husband's t-shirts is a daily uniform, and we talk baby talk all day. Lots of hugs and kisses make us feel a little better at the end of the day. While laying in bed rub our hair, we love it. Do it even if you think you might be running your fingers through a birds nest that went through an oil slick. Don't make a comment about the hair on our legs or the odor from our over worked bodies, tell me I look like a model and smell like a rose.

Have a wonderful week mommas, thankfully my husband is a good helper, he just needs a little push every... single.... day...


If there are any topics that you would like me to cover on my blog for next week, feel free to message me on facebook or just leave it in the comments.

The Moments That Keep Us Going

Hello mommies, I haven't blogged in a while due to preparing for Ophelia's second birthday party and remodeling our kitchen. At first I was going to blog all about O's carnival birthday party but it truthfully was a backyard full of balloons and tiny toddlers running after one another covered in icing and faces painted all sorts of colorful animals. If anyone is interested in a face painter for the future I highly recommend Rebekah from Joyful canvas. Her skill is unbelievable, especially with young children. Her prices are fair, I believe the total was $150 for the hour. Anyway also last week my little mister got his first cold so while spending lots of time in the rocking chair, holding my sweet boy who can hardly breath through his nose I started to think of the most rewarding moments in motherhood. Here are the ones that I wish to remember for a lifetime..

• Watching your baby become an independent toddler
• Sneaking in your baby's room and watching how peaceful they sleep
• When the smallest things make your baby/toddler incredibly happy
• Every single kiss I've ever gotten from my toddler
• The fact that just looking at your baby makes them smile ear to ear
• Watching your child live in a world with no fear, no stress and wanting to keep it that way
• When your baby/toddler wakes up in the middle of the night and at first you just wish they would fall asleep but once they are all cuddled up in your arms you wouldn't trade your position for the world
• Becoming fearless and brave as a mother, knowing the great lengths you would go for your children. Mommy strength and bravery is unique.
• Witnessing non-stereotypical "firsts" your child has. First snow experience, first time in the shower, first time touching grass, first time going down the slide by themselves and so on.
• Knowing the love you feel for your child will never leave, disappoint or change. A mother's love is forever and that is something you can promise your children.
• Knowing that before I had them I had all these invisions and expectations of how/who they would be and neither turned out that way, only one expectation of myself continued, love them, even when maybe they have broken you, love them, they always deserved to be loved.

There are a million more I could write but these are some of my favorites, every mom looks at their growing child and says on one or more occasion, "Where did my baby go?" because the most truthful thing about babies and toddlers is time flies, you do not get that time back, spend time with them and encourage them to grow and learn so new mommy moments can happen and we can fill up all our phone storage space for the 500th time.

have a wonderful week mommies, we are getting perfect weather for pumpkin picking!!
xoxo

One Year and Counting

Hello mommies, I have been so busy that blogging has been harder for me to do, harder for me to have the time to sit and think about what I want to blog about so today since over the holiday weekend I celebrated my one year wedding anniversary I decided to share about our little getaway and how I feel relationships are once you add babies into the equation. Andrew and I have been together for four years, (I honestly had to think hard about that) we did not get to take a honeymoon after our wedding because Ophelia was turning one two weeks after the wedding, I was still in the morning sickness stage of my pregnancy with Jude so we decided to go away for a night to Philadelphia to enjoy some well deserved and needed us time. Andrew and I's relationship changed, progressed quickly with huge life events that for our age and maturity level at the time should of broken us. I got pregnant with Miss. Ophelia Paige after Andrew and I were dating for seven months. I believe all of us mommie's who had an unplanned pregnancy can remember the moment crystal clear, the positive signs, and the fear. I knew Andrew loved me so much but was he ready for this? Well I called him at work and told him, all he could say was "Okay, we will be okay."  By the end of that night, we had a baby book in our hand and a name picked out if it was a girl, Ophelia. We moved out and got our first apartment together, then we had our baby girl. Ophelia had colic and severe acid reflux. Cue non ending crying (baby and me) she was tough. Cue stress on relationship when were new parents with a baby who cries ALL THE TIME. I think the hardest part of a relationship when babies/children become involved is expectation. You have all these expectations of what kind of parent your partner will be. Maybe it is just me but my expectations of Andrew were in my head, I never voiced what I expected of him so cue me becoming so angry and resentful when he didn't do exactly what I pictured in my head. But how could he when he had no idea what was going on in my tired, stressed out mommy brain. Another way babies change your relationship for the better is you watch the man you love become this father figure, he becomes soft, and you two have this everlasting bond together. You two created these amazing humans from a night of alcohol and a queen size bed (am I right) but the little humans bring you closer than you could ever imagine. Over the next two years, we got married, bought our first house, and had another baby. Number one thing we've learned, just say what is on our minds at all times even if it isn't always the nicest at least it isn't built up inside us. Number two, take time for us. Cue our anniversary getaway...

Andrew and I stayed at the Sonesta Hotel on market street in Philadelphia, we splurge on a room there and were delightfully surprised on arrival they upgraded our room since we were celebrating our anniversary. The hotel is beautifully modern with red, white and black décor. An art bar, rooftop pool and a restaurant we didn't get the chance to dine in.

 

After we got settled into our room and had a mixed drink courtesy of the grey goose we had in our luggage we decided to go to South street to check out some restaurants, bars, art galleries, etc. We walked a good 500 miles is what it felt like in the 90 degree heat but we made it. The first thing we encountered was a pop up beer garden, which was amazing. The garden was smack dab in the middle of the city. The floor was a light colored mulch with trees, flowers, bushes every where you turned. Large tree trunk stumps were used as coffee tables surrounded by wooden lawn chairs and an area with cafeteria long, raw, wooden tables with metal, rustic chairs, underneath a wooden pergola covered in vines. The bar was serving mostly craft beers and a few mixed drinks. We got our troegs dreamweavers and sat and enjoyed each others company while enjoying the beautiful day. By the way it was free to get into the beer garden, the beer itself, complete opposite of free. $15 for two beers, we stuck to one each before we moved on.

 





 

 

Our next stop was the Magic Gardens, I've seen so many people go to it and I wanted to experience it with my best friend. It was in walking distance of the beer garden and $7 a person. We spent a good 45 minutes there but unless you are a huge art person, or took the tour that's pretty much the most time you can spend there. Very cool place, you are completely surrounded by art left and right, it would take weeks to look at every single detail.

 

 



By now the heat was getting to us and we needed some food and more drinks. We got a taxi and headed to Morgan's Pier. By far my favorite place there. It is located on the water with boats docked right behind the large wooded deck area. It had three different bar areas and several dinning areas. We took seats at the bar closest to the water and ordered some delicious drinks. A margarita for me and a dark & stormy for the Mr. The breeze coming off the water along with the misting fans was so relaxing, almost felt like we were at the beach. We ordered some fries because who cares about your diet when your drinking and celebrating. We stayed there for almost 2 hours, ordered several drinks and decided it was time to head back to the hotel to get ready for our dinner reservations.

 

Dinner was at The Good King Tavern. We chose this restaurant because one of Andrew's longest, closest friends, Mr. Aaron Bennawit or better known at the restaurant as Chef Aaron is the sous chef there and told Andrew he was going to do something special for us. We arrived at the small but cozy, dim lit restaurant and were immediately sat and told they have been waiting for us. Before we were even able to order a drink, two glasses of rose were delivered to the table "Compliments of Chef Aaron". Moments later appetizers were continuously delivered to the table. Each one better than the last but each one being absolutely delicious. It went from escargot in a brown, gravy like sauce to fried goat cheese in a salivating red sauce. Chef Aaron even whipped up a special treat of shark meat paired with fresh shredded veggies and it was divine. We ordered our main entrees, Andrew got the trout and I ordered the duck. Writing this is making me so. incredibly. hungry. We were given a few more drinks before we said our thank you's and good-byes' to the chef. We headed back to the hotel for a quick nap before we began our evening out on the town.

 

 

After our nap we headed back to the beer garden to check it out at night and then went to Chef Aaron's girlfriends' restaurant Los Camaradas. We spent some time there catching up with them and enjoying the best margarita I've ever had. Andrew somehow was still hungry after dinner and ordered some nachos which were awarded Best Nachos in Philly. Our trip came to a very hungover end and before we had to catch our train we headed to the famous Geno's to have a cheesesteak at 10 am hoping to soak up all the tequila. I can honestly say my anniversary trip was perfect for Andrew and I to reconnect without the stress of babies crying and toddler destroying the house left and right. I highly recommend any couples with young children to take a little trip away and get to know each other again.

 







911? Yes hello I'm a24/7 mom

Hello mommies today I am going to post the 911 emergency medical kit for mommies who are on the clock 24/7 and there sanity is plummeting. I understand as a parent we are always on the clock, you can never just clock out but you can always have breaks, "me" time that I believe is crucial to surviving parenthood. Usually my "me" time is here and there once my husband gets home from work. This "me" time varies from taking a little extra long shower, laying down for 20-30 minutes, or some days going to dinner or drinks with friends. Lately though my husband has been working 60-70 hour work weeks to finish a project for a large pharmaceutical company so I allow him to come home and do absolutely nothing, he is fried, he doesn't lift a finger. So now this is almost the third week of this and with a teething baby who is waking up at 5:30 am, a toddler who is full energy and a home to keep up with, this momma is fried. I've been currently binging Grey's Anatomy and I began to think of a mommie medical kit for that burnt out mom, brought to us by Dr. Mcdreamy

 

I imagine arriving to a spa like room, greeted by the one and only Dr.Mcdreamy who immediately orders a round of IV fluids for me.

 (your welcome)

And since McDreamy is the best doctor out there and sees the mombie state I'm in starts the most perfect first IV

Yup this medical kit will do wonders for us burnt out mommies.

Then once I've relaxed and rested my second round of IV is the

give me that push to go back and carry on my mommy duties.

Of course Mcdreamy doesn't send me home empty handed without a mommie prescription

that continues the path to a full recovery of Burnt out Mommie disease.

He hands you a prescription of a wad of cash and a one way ticket to Target to buy that "one" thing we needed there.

 

I'm feeling much better now, and I'm ready to carry on my duty as a 24/7 mom.

 

I know last week I said I would be posting Mommy Shaming pictures but I did not receive as many as I would have liked for a full blog posting, so I am posting the ones I did receive they are wonderful, thank you to the mommys who sent them! Actually I'm posting the ones that my computer allowed to download, a couple my computer refused to allow me to save.

 



 

 



I Can't Keep Calm, I'm a Mom

Hello mommies! I hope everyone's day is going better than my stereotypical Monday. It all started when my husband woke me up at 5 am not to tell me his everyday good-bye speech and kiss but to tell me that he accidently knocked my entire make-up bag in the toilet "full of piss" (his exact words). My body went into full red alert mode unlike him because he had no idea the value of the contents of the bag. So I went back to sleep hoping to wake up and try this day again. Well waking up again at 7 am with my little girl, we are cuddling on the couch watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (duh). and then it hit me, the odor. She had diarrhea and it seeped through her pajama pants and onto my shirt, yay. Cleaned her up and by than child number two was awake and had pooped as well. Honestly my day was a revolving door of poopy diapers. After that right on cue my toddler is pointing and doing that "eh eeeh!" noise at the freezer door signaling she is ready for a popsicle. Well mean old mom says no because I'm A. already cooking her scrambled eggs and toast and B. its 8 am. Here goes temper tantrum number uno of the day. The world must be ending, she is red in the face, tears pouring down her face, throwing herself on the floor over a popsicle. (Why aren't those scenarios in parenting books?) I put her in her booster and place her plate of breakfast in front of her and she continues to smear it all over the table then whines until I put her down. Twenty minutes later she is pointing and going "eh eeeh!" at the pantry door, she wants a snack. Do you think I'm a little  frustrated that she wants a snack after I made her a full breakfast that my table is fully decorated in now? Yup I'm getting frustrated. I give in and give her a bowl of Reese Puff cereal and now its crushed into my carpet. My 6 month old is super fussy today because he is cutting two teeth and I can't leave his sight. My work out is cut in half because my children can't stop pooping or crying. I finally put my kids down for naps and instead of cleaning I napped too and it was glorious until I woke up at 3 pm realizing I did not thaw anything out for dinner and I decided to give up on this Monday.

Mommies you can relate right?? These days where you can't get ahead and one thing after another happens and sometimes (you hate yourself for it) you yell at your kids out of frustration? You know they are just being their age but you have already texted your significant other the "I'm about to rip my hair out" "I need to get out of the house" "Break open the vodka" text. These are the tough parenting days, all still so worth it, but tough.

Regretting giving up booze during the week to lose my mom pooch,

xoxo mommies

P.S currently running after my toddler who had a full bottle of melatonin and acting like she struck gold.


For next week moms I want to include all of you, the post will be about "Mom Shaming" like how people post dog shaming photos. I am posting mine below, the things us mommies do that technically does not win us mom of year awards but were human. Please send me your "Mom Shaming" photos to my email ellenweitzel561@gmail.com and I would love to post them all in my next blog post.

What Your Non-Parent Friends Think at Your House

Hello mommies! Not that I even believe any one noticed but I am a day late on posting, sorry about that if you did notice I have been very busy finishing watching The Office (full time job). Anyway as I was looking around my house today and texting my friend about having a boxed wine night Friday  here and I started to think about what all Andrew's and my own non-parent friends must think when being over at our baby, toddler zone home. I put myself in their shoes, focused on what their houses or apartments look like and boom I think I got it. Here we go!

"So this is what giving up looks like."

"Crumbs, crumbs are everywhere. Do they ever use a mop, broom, vacuum? Like ever? They could feed a small army of children with all the crumbs everywhere."  I can't argue with this one, I promise I do use my broom and vacuum every. single. day but toddler are little cookie monsters. They literally cannot hold a bag of crackers, chips, whatever without the temptation to flip it upside down and spill every last crumb out of that bag then proceed to stomp around in it until my beautiful charcoal area rug looks like the first snowfall. So my apologies, for all my neat freak friends, Lisbet this means you.

"As soon as I leave here I'm picking up a box of condoms."

"There must be toys in every single room of the house, even the bathroom is full of toys. Why does one small child need so many toys? They must be hoarders. Toy Hoarders, maybe TLC will have a show to help them out. I'll nominate them myself."

"Wow the natural scent in this house is I'd say dirty diapers mixed with destinin, goldfish and the febreeze trying to mask everything. Maybe I can open a window when they aren't looking."

"I wonder if they have anything to drink other than milk or apple juice."

"That one kid is eating something out of the couch, might be food, might be a small toy."

"Seriously would not of taken them as hoarders."

I love all my friends to death and am so thankful they love to come over and see my children so I apologize for the mess, just keep filling up your wine glass and you will forget about the mess.

xoxo have a wonderful week mommies

And please if you read and liked this blog please hit like button on facebook so I know to continue!

4 Things I Do Not Care That You Do As a Parent

There are endless amounts of parenting books and guides available for parents to be out there and even I am guilty of buying a few when I needed answers for my baby who couldn't self soothe or when I felt inferior to other parents children that were developing faster than mine and I needed to know why. Here is what I learned from those ridiculously over priced parenting books, nothing. Not one thing in those books could apply to my child because my child was nothing like the child the author was explaining. I did learn though I knew nothing about being a parent until I actually became one and was faced with obstacles that I solved on my own and in what I believed was right for my child and children. Now at the age I am now lots of my fellow peers are having children all around the same ages and I guess we all feel the need to post it all over social media (guilty) What I'm about to say keep an open mind and I believe it will make sense. I see moms now on social media posting all the things their children are doing or what brand new thing/clothing item you bought them, us moms are having a cock measuring contest with our children. We feel the need to up one another with just about everything, we feel this pressure to have the bigger "cock" sorry for the explicitiveness. So here are the 4 things I do not care that you do as a parent or don't do...

1. Breast Fed or Bottle Fed
I could care less if your three year old is still sucking on your boobs all day long, do you. I don't care if you are shaking up formula bottles all day long. All the babies are fed and happy. If you are judging the mom who is breast feeding all day long, well get over it, it's natural and their happy. That being said I don't need to hear about it or read about it all day long on facebook, we get it, we really do. You've been breastfeeding your baby for a while, congratulations it is a lot of work but what do you want an Emmy award? And bottle feeding mommas I know you are doing what you have to so that your baby is fed. I'm not Pro-breastfeeing. I'm not Pro-bottle, I'm just Pro-get your kid fed, and that's all you should worry about too.

2. Organic vs Anything Else
I jumped on the organic band wagon for a while to the point I bought O (before she was born) a $300 organic bumper pad for her crib (I know I'm a lunatic), to only be told at the hospital bumpers were a big no no. LOL well I used it anyway because she loved her elephant bumper and look she's still alive! I bought organic food for a while, hefty price tag and than I realized my child could care less about organic and wanted some damn pringles and nutella. So whether you don't feed your family GMO's, all organic food or over processed frozen fish sticks, up to you, bon appetite!

3. Working mom vs. Stay at Home Mom
I understand some moms have to have full time jobs out of the house to support their families and I understand some moms either don't need to work because their significant other brings home enough bacon or you can't afford day care. I do not care either way. Finances have nothing to do with anybody else but you and your family so do what you need to. I am fortunate enough that my husband makes enough money that I can stay home with my babes but I do work 3 days a week for a few hours at a small diner because momma needs some time out of the house and why not make some extra cash (booze money) from the sweet elderly couples that come in. We are all good moms.

4. Miscellaneous
This list could be a long one but i'll make it short. I do not care how much or little you let your kids watch T.V., if you let you toddler drink soda or water, if you curse in front of them, how you discipline them, if you let them co-sleep or not, what age you start them in preschool, how you potty train(by the way I really do not care if your child shit on the potty), how many or little toys they have, if they wear a helmet or not, if you are following proper car seat safety, etc, etc, etc. Be the parent you believe you are, we are all trying our bests.

xoxo mommies until next time

Ultimate Gift List for Mommies

Come Christmas time, birthdays, mothers day and so on I'm sure all of us mommies receive similar gifts from others. Usually involve some type of Pinterest inspired gift from your child, flowers, cards, pedicure/manicure gift cards or whatever you flat out told you husband, boyfriend, whoever to buy you. Now we love these things, I don't think any mommy could complain about these gifts but if you asked us what we really wanted it would be slightly different... Here is the ultimate mommie gift list. Feel free to print out and hand directly to your significant other.

• Sleep. We would love a solid 24 hours of sleep. Lock us in a sound proof room without any contact with the outside world except for Netflix. Ill give you a special knock if it is an emergency. Prior to my 24 hours of sleep I will be taking a 20 minute shower, undisturbed until my body is shaven from head to toe.

• Lipo Suction. Allow me to medically get all the fat sucked from my body so I can stop complaining to you how fat I am every day and can quit all the fad diets I start every month. Oh and while I'm at it, let me get the stretch mark treatments that every celebrity must have because it must exist, because last time I checked being a celebrity didn't change their DNA and magically allow them to pass by that shit of a pregnancy result.

• $50,000 to Urban Outfitters please.

• During the holidays please get me into the spirit. I need/want lots of holiday spirit, as in drive me to Wine & Spirits so I can drown myself in a box of wine. Repeat this one on demand.

• Surprise me. When you become a parent life is nothing but routine. Children need routine to function so I begin to do the same mindless things every day. Please shake things up for us once in a while. Plan a night for us two, away from the kids but without asking or telling me a single detail. (Other than if I need my ball gown or my nikes)

• Understand that when I tell you 'I need a break from the kids' it is not for a single second that I do not love those little monsters with every part of me but after a full day while you were at work only having to focus on you and your task at hand, I had to take care of myself and keep two children alive. They can't even go to the bathroom by themselves, hell I can't go to the bathroom by myself there is always an audience. So  when you come home after a 10 hour day I need 10 minutes, locked in my room to just breathe for a second.

• Move us to a location that either Dunkin or Starbucks is in walking distance. Sure the Keurig is great and fast but it does not provide extra espresso shots that are needed in my morning and mid afternoon haze. And the tasty flavors and syrups don't hurt either. Walking distance because it takes an hour to get two kids into the car and by than I would be dead.

• While us mommies are attempting to get the thousands of chores done like folding laundry, take the toddler in another room and keep him or her away so our job can get done a little quicker because folding laundry with a toddler is as efficient as trying to straighten up a desk of papers while a fan blows on it.

There you go Daddy's, husbands, boyfriends, whoever, this is what we really want and if you happen to have some left over cash install a wine dispenser in multiple rooms of the house. That sounds like my kind of heaven.

xoxo mommies

Yup I'm a Cake Face; Power of Make-up

Hello mommies and anyone else who is reading this blog. Todays post has nothing to do with being a mom. This one was requested by a few people about all my favorite make up products. If you do not wear make up, could really care less about make up than just exit now because this will be a total snore fest for you. I am a make up fanatic, it makes me feel good about myself, I think it is fun to do, it is pretty much my "hobby." I spend lots of time watching Youtube tutorials and $$$$$ on make up. All through high school and up until recently I used cheap, drug store make up and applicators. Actually I still use some but I decided to splurge on some higher end products and let me tell you I was NOT disappointed. Here is a look inside my make up bag and stay tuned to the end, a funny video you do not want to miss out on..

These are my favorite brushes, I have a ton more but I use these ones the most. I always bought cheap brushes, I used a set from Eco tools for a long time but I decided to invest in some nice Sephora brand brushes (all the black ones) Okay it was life changing, they apply make up more airbrushed, they are softer, they blend better all around better. The first from the left is a contour brush that I like to use to apply my contour under my cheek bones (powder contour) the next one is also a multiple use contour brush. It is amazing for blending and under the eyes, the next one is a foundation brush, I usually do not use it for foundation I find that it looks very painted on. The next few brushes are eye shadow brushes and blending brushes all from Elf. The last fluffy one is from Sephora too, its a powder brush and it is great. So best tip invest in one or two really good brushes. Sephora brushes range from($32-$36)

 

These beautiful sponges are called beauty blenders and I LOVE THEM!!!! I use them to apply and blend in my foundation and concealers. The bottom picture is a beauty blender before being ran under water and the top one is, it grows. Always use a damp beauty blender is applies your foundation in such an airbrushed, even way. Also pat the beauty blender on your skin do not use strokes. It actually pushes the make up into your skin so longer lasting. Beauty Blender ($20)

Speaking of foundations here are all my must haves. The Elf product is a mineral face primer. I use this after a moisturizer it helps your make up not set into your fine lines and last longer throughout the day. The next one is Erborian CC crème. I love this product. A CC crème is a moisturizer that also gives your skin some coverage. A CC crème vs. a BB crème helps more for people with red or uneven skin tones. So this CC crème I use on days I don't feel like wearing a lot of make up, especially foundation because it gives me coverage but not as heavy. This one is also an illuminator so it brightens your skin. I definitely recommend this one for mommies who do not have a lot of time to do their make up but need some coverage. This one is definitely more expensive but drug stores companies like Maybelline sell their own for a better price. I use Maybeline FIT me foundation. The first one is for dry skin and the second is for normal to oily skin in the same shade. (they look darker in this picture than they are.) I mix the two together because my skin is all over the place. (Elf Primer $6 (amazon) CC crème $44, Foundations I believe $9.99)

 

This is what I use to cream contour my face. It has obviously when heavily used. I got it off amazon, it was cheap and had lots of shades. End of story. (Amazon $18)

 





 

This kit is wonderful for powder contour which I think can be harder than cream contour because blending can be a b****. But the 'banana' shade (Middle Top) is great to help conceal under eye circles because yellow is the opposite of purple and blue on the color wheel, blah blah blah. And the highlighter (Top Right) is shimmery which I like a lot. If you do not like shimmer try to Kat Von D shade to light kit everything is matte. ($40)

 

Eyebrows. I obviously love all the Anastasia Beverly Hills products, I own them all. The first one is just the basic pencil, I like it, easy to use, nice shade. Not too many downsides to this one other than it will give you jacked up looking brows if it isn't sharpened. The second one is the one I use the most and I know a majority of my friends use and like the most. It is the Brow wiz, this is also a pencil like product but more cream like, smaller point and I believe the easiest to use. I think because it is a smoother application it looks more natural. Finally Dipbrow, this one is a cream you can use an angled brush to apply it. At first I loved dipbrow but now I think it comes on too heavy or my shade is just too dark. If you do use this product you barely need any of it on your brush. When it comes to brows, practice makes perfect, I know myself and my friends took a long time to get to where we are when it comes to brows. (Pencil $23, Brow wiz $21, Dipbrow $18)

 







 

This is all the rest of my make-up that I generally use often. The Elf high definition powder is white, transulcant powder that after all my face make-up is on I use to "set" my make-up aka longer lasting. The MAC concealer I've had forever, I like MAC products a lot, I think this concealer is a little too runny, so coverage isn't the best. Next is the best concealer out there, NARS in 'custard' it has a yellow tint so once again cancels out the purple bags. Very nice coverage, I'll stick with this one for a while. Green concealer stick to cover up pimples, blemishes, green is opposite of red on the color wheel, blah blah blah. The only mascara I will ever use is the Colossal yellow, purple tube, it is amazing and I know several friends who will only use this one too, better than expensive mascaras out there. Kat Von D tattoo liquid eye liner, stays on forever, easy to apply, nice felt tip. Tarte bronzer, Elf blush and NARS lipstick in a blush/rose color. (Elf HD powder can't remember, MAC concealer $20, Kat Von D liner $19,mascara maybe $8)

Setting spray to finish off transforming your face. This one is by Urban Decay (love their products) This particular one is for oily skin which great for me but they also have ones for other skin types. This also helps your make up stay in the place you put it for long periods of time. Use it, get it, drown in it. ($30)

 

THE POWER OF MAKE UP PEOPLE, I was a troll and than gave myself some cheek bones and eye brows. 1/2 my face is done in that picture if you didn't pick up on that. 

 

complete. ignore my hair, it is suppose to rain today so ill get a shower at some point.

Check this video out, Andrew does my make up

 



https://youtu.be/FEkabwhRoYk 

Can i go home early? Oh wait I'm a stay at home mom

Myself like many other mommies I know can look very put together to the outside world. We see it all over Facebook, the kids are well dressed, perfect opportunity pictures of the children doing fun things, the "whipped this up for dinner tonight" picture, taking the kids out on "field trips" pictures. To the outside world I, myself look put together. It appears that I shower regularly, my make-up is completely done, I drive an SUV, live in a 3 bedroom house in suburbia and have a loving husband holding my hand. So to the outside world we are rocking it as mommies but only if we posted real pictures of our lives they would see we do not have it so together.

"Your baby is so happy! Look at that smile!"

To the outside world my response: "Oh thank you (with a huge, fake smile) he really is just such happy, easy baby."
Reality: "Oh no he just shit up his back and he is finally relieved he doesn't have trapped gas anymore."

"Look at how adorable your daughter is dressed."

Well yes when we actually do make it out in public I dress my children in the outrageously priced clothing I buy because when we are home she is running around in a diaper, mardi gras beads around her neck, screaming at me because I won't let her wear two different shoes and bucket on her head.

"You are so lucky you can stay at home with the kids, must be so fulfilling."

Super lucky that any job I would have, that paycheck would go straight to childcare because it cost as much as a five star resort. I do sincerely love staying home because I'm pretty sure at a 9-5 job when you feel like your head will explode you cannot bust open a bottle of wine. So what is really fulfilling is my 4 o clock cocktail. 4 is so close to 5, lets call it even.

"You and your husband are so cute and perfect."

LOL, perfect. Yes my husband and I are perfect for each other, we get along most the time. But do not think for a second that I do not go Britney Spears circa 2007 on him. While I am cooking dinner for my broad having one child in my arms and another holding onto my leg for dear life, he is taking a glorious 20 minute shower. Now I know mommies know exactly why that is frustrating, a mom taking a 20 minute shower, literally no mom ever.

To the outside world I think they believe we as moms sit at home and do pinterest inspired crafts, have quiet nap time, prepare three well balanced meals a day, sit and fold laundry while catching up on our favorite soap opera, by mid day we have the house cleaned, hit the grocery store and have taught the children a second language all before the hubby comes home and its time for dinner.

Little do they know...

I have a whole board of crafts and "sensory" DIY projects for my kids that I add a new pin to everyday. Have never, ever done a single one of them. My T.V.  is on Disney channel from 7 am to 6 pm. Don't worry they use lots of bright colors, count just about every thing they possibly can and Dora throws out lots of Spanish, I'm just sure my children are picking up on all of this. Putting O down for a nap requires me putting her in her bed, closing the door, sitting down and 3 minutes later having to do that all over again because she knows how to open doors now. We repeat that 4 more times because she thinks it is a game. I really do try my best to balance out all the meals I make but some days more than I would like to admit Ophelia has a popsicle the second she wakes up because she is crying hysterically at the freezer door and I don't want her to wake up her brother. I despise doing laundry so I usually avoid it until my husband needs work clothes and does it all himself. (what a saint) By mid day I've kept the kids alive, had 2 cups of coffee and watched 4 episodes of Love it or List it. As for dinner I usually remember that will be something I need to do around 2 o clock while I am scrolling through pinterest and see a yummy recipe and quickly try and thaw something out in time.

You have it all together.

My respnonse: Not even close.

xoxo mommies.

 

Novinophobia; Fear of running out of Wine

Hello mommies! I hope everyone had a good weekend. Today's blog post is all about mommies letting loose and drinking booze. Yes, we are mothers, that does not mean we have to sit at home 365 days a year. We deserve nights out especially I think for us young mommies who do not get the chance to do what all of our other friends are doing. Now I'm not saying go out to bars every weekend, that costs a lot of money and weekends can be a great chance to do fun things with the babies but every once in a while go for it! Have a grandparent watch the babes overnight. Now for all those people out there that think when they see a young mom out at a bar that we just shoved our kids on to someone, no. Grandparents BEG to babysit, it makes them so happy, so why not. Now I will have to start by saying pre babies, I drank, a lot. College gave me a high tolerance and then pregnancies destroyed it. I think we can all agree boozing after babies is a different journey. Here is what I think it looks like for most of us!

 

Getting ready to go out after having babies I believe puts a little more pressure on us to look as good as possible. Or a lot of the time it's is the only time we have a reason to put more effort into what we look like. I contour and highlight when I go out, mainly because I have to fake the illusion my face didn't blow up after having kids. Que the picture above, I was contouring the shit out of my double chin. Never a good look in pictures.

 

Most important step for me, putting give or take ten pounds of under eye concealer on because mamma has dark circles from all the sleep I actually do get. I'm a firm believer in naps so my dark circles just are from genetics. Sorry kids.

Then the drinking begins...

"Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, Merlot, yup gangs all here."

"This goes down easy peezy."

"Third glass down, I can hang."

"Does anyone else think its hot in here?"

 

All your friends want to take shots and you have a solid buzz going so you think that sounds like a great idea.

"This will be fun."

"I loved shots back in the day"

"Everyone is staring at me, keep acting like you're not nervous."

 

"Holy shit, that was plain vodka."

"I wish my weight was as low as my tolerance."

"Everyone else is smiling like that was fun, wtf?"

 



 

Because after you have children you need this much of a chaser after taking one shot, as you reflect on how much you are going to regret that tomorrow. But then all those booze settle in and you will have so much fun and you SHOULD. Be 21,22,23 and so on. Last time I checked it is not a crime to drink even though you are a parent. P.S. am I only mom who as soon as they are pretty much drunk the cell phone comes out and you are showing everyone pictures of your kids?

Drinking beer after babies:

"Wow this really accentuates my post baby belly in the most unflattering way possible."

"Remember to wear the most non body forming outfit next time, a potato sack will suffice."

"Also start that diet Monday that you've been saying you will start every Monday."

 





"Screw it, chug this so you can forget about all the weight you've gained, it taste delicious."

"Probably going to stop at Sheetz on the way home anyway."

"Fat and proud, bitches."

Being a mom you cannot stay at a bar til close, it impossible I swear. I look like this by midnight because I was up at 6 am the day before. I CAN'T HANG ANYMORE.

 

Hungover as a parent....

 

"I said Chardonnay, what do you not understand."

"Is he getting drunk off my breath?"

"C-H-A-R-D-O-N-N-A-Y."

"F*** chardonnay and you're hangover a from hell."

 

 

Being hungover as a parent leaves you trying to catch a quick nap whenever you can. Laying face down on the counter while preparing meals is my favorite. Oh and yes Jude is on formula now, SUE ME. I know I know breast is best, well guess what my breasts gave up.

Do any other moms do this to try and catch a few Z's? Just lay on the floor and become a human jungle gym. This way you can close your eyes but know your kids are safe because they are literally on top of you. I've been guilty of using Ophelia's pedialyte to try and help my body recover from the boxed wine and cheap vodka in my body.

 

Mommies let loose every once in a while, it is good for you. Have a fun week with your little ones!

 I want to thank everyone who reads my blog, I've had way more pages views than I would of ever imagined, a little over 1,000 since starting, Keep reading  xoxo